I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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