this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
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