I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i just google imaged poop.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
