White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
