I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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