listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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