i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
