how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
