i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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