wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
