Banned from zoo.
Again?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
