My room smells like vodka and shame
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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