no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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