I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
