I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
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