I can't breathe out the right side of my face
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
