I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Randomize
