he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
