i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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