There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Randomize
