I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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