I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
