Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
