I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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