I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
