I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
