woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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