I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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