I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
