dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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