Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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