I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
