Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
