I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
