I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
