i think my tv is drunk
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
