Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
