Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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