I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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