They should really pass out barf bags in church
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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