insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
