I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Blood and glitter go together right?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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