I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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