Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
