$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
