remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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