I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
what is it with giant penises always finding me
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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