how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she woke up with a sticky ear
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
