allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
this beer tastes like vomit already
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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