R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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