I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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